·
When one door closes and another door
opens, you are probably in prison.
·
To me, "drink responsibly"
means don't spill it.
·
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00
pm is the new midnight.
·
It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
·
The older I get, the earlier it gets
late.
·
When I say, "The other
day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
·
Cop: "Please step out of
the car."Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."
·
I remember being able to get up
without making sound effects.
·
I had my patience tested. I'm
negative.
·
Remember, if you lose a sock in the
dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your
containers.
·
If you're sitting in public and a
stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say,
"Did you bring the money?"
·
When you ask me what I am doing
today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It
means I am doing nothing.
·
I finally got eight hours of sleep.
It took me three days, but whatever.
·
I run like the winded.
·
I hate when a couple argues in public
and I miss the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
·
When someone asks what I did over the
weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
·
I don't remember much from last
night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning
tells me it was awesome.
·
When you do squats, are your knees
supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with
celery?
·
I don't mean to interrupt
people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
·
When I ask for directions, please
don't use words like "east."
·
Don't bother walking a mile in my
shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll
freak you right out.
·
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes
into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you
forever. We call those people cops.
·
My luck is like a bald guy who just
won a comb.